The Heartbreak of Polygamy

Mariama picks small stones out of the gourd of raw rice as she watches over the neighbourhood corner store.  I’ve come to buy a baguette for lunch, but stay to chat for a few minutes.  “You have such a big butt, Penda (my Senegalese name)!”  (This, by the way, is considered a compliment, as a full posterior is a desirable quality in a woman.)  “Yeah, well, I try!”  What can I say in response to such kind words?!  “What about you, Mariama?  Do you wish you were heavier?  Do you have a boyfriend who tells you what he prefers?” 

“Well, I have a boyfriend,” she replies, “but he’s married.”  Picture my chin dropping in disbelief.  Even though I’ve lived in Senegal for four years, and I have many friends and acquaintances living in polygamous marriages, I still haven’t come to accept such practices as normal.  “Why would you do such a thing, Mariama?  Why would you choose to ruin another woman’s marriage by coming between her and her husband?”  She replies that this is Senegal, that it’s just the way it is, and, get this, “Better to do it to someone else before they do it to me.”  How sad that that’s what it comes down to.

Mariama married that man a couple months ago, but she stayed in her brother’s house until now, for reasons I don’t quite understand.  Her husband would spend weekdays with his first wife, and visit Mariama on weekends.  But this night is one of unforgettable sadness for Mariama’s co-spouse, for tonight my neighbour is finally packing up her bags and moving in with her new husband, his wife, and their children. 

I’m told that many first wives are in a stage of denial up until this point, but that the night wife number two arrives, it hits them like a slap in the face that will sting the rest of their lives.  Her rival has arrived, to share her home, her kitchen, her husband, and perhaps even her bed.  Her life will never be the same.  Tears well up in my eyes when I think about what awaits a woman I’ve never met.  I’m reminded of what a gift I’ve been given in a wonderful husband, who loves me exclusively, unconditionally, till death do us part.  What a joy to live without fear of my husband getting tired of me and shopping around for a newer, shinier model. 

This obviously isn't my neighbour! Just a pix I found online

As a side note, for those interested in how I approach this issue theologically, I will say this: The Bible doesn’t expressly forbid polygamy, but it was the exception rather than the rule among biblical characters.  And the Scripture does give us a model regarding God’s will for marriage – one man and one woman.  (There's more I could say on the subject, but I'll leave it at that for now.)  I often tell people here that God created Adama and Awa (Adam and Eve), not Adama and Awa and Bintou and Khady and Fatou and Mariama.  Women usually agree with me with a hearty “Amen!”  I wish I could say the same for Senegalese men!