Why You Should Read 7 Myths about Singleness by Sam Allberry

This article was first published in French at TPSG.

Why should I, a married woman, read a book on singleness? Tim Keller answers this question on the book’s back cover:

“It would be a grave mistake to think that this book speaks only to singles.”

Singleness affects all of us. First, because even those who are married will sooner or later experience singleness, be it due to the passing of a spouse or else due to an undesired divorce. As I pen these words, I am accompanying my aunt as she cares for my uncle in his final days or weeks. I can’t help but imagine that one day I will also walk this lonely path of losing my husband. Statistically, few are the spouses who pass away together. But even more importantly, this subject should matter to every believer because we belong to one another in Christ, we want to love the singles in our churches well, and these truths will help us to better understand them and minister alongside them. 

Defining Singleness

In his book, “7 Myths about Singleness,” Sam Allberry begins by defining what he means by singleness. In a Christian context, singles are those who are both unmarried and sexually abstinent. This is in contrast to the world, which defines singleness as “solvency, great sex, and a guilt-free life.” (p. 13 both). It’s only with a proper understanding of a Christian sexual ethic that we can make sense of singleness and all it entails. 

Myth #1: Singleness is Too Hard

Allberry launches his discussion on singleness with what may be the most common myth, namely that singleness is too hard. His examination of the Bible’s teaching on marriage tells another story. The Bible teaches that marriage, in fact, is hard! In Matthew 19, in the context of a discussion with the Pharisees concerning marriage and divorce, Jesus underscores the lifelong commitment required to enter into the covenant of marriage. From the beginning, this was God’s design (Ge 2:24). In response the disciples replied, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” (Mt 19:10). 

In contrast to this depiction of marriage, Scripture highlights the beauty of singleness. We see this exemplified in the life of Jesus, who, while being a fully human and therefore sexual being, “made himself a eunuch for the kingdom” (p. 29). Paul’s vision of singleness drawn from 1 Corinthians 7:32-35 further establishes that those who are unmarried enjoy certain advantages. Allberry thus seeks not so much to disparage marriage, but rather to balance the scales on an oft misunderstood subject.

Myth #2: Singleness Requires a Special Calling

Singleness does require a calling, Allberry admits. But so does marriage! Consider 1 Corinthians 7:7:

I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.

Citing Tim Keller, Allberry explains that Paul uses the term “gift” to describe a God-given ability  to build others up, and not a vague sense of personal fulfillment (p. 40 Eng, p. 50 Fr). Scripture therefore calls us to accept both singleness and marriage as good things.

Myth #3: Singleness Means No Intimacy

The chapter opens by acknowledging that some singles do experience disheartening loneliness. Allberry proposes, however, that the remedy is not necessarily marriage, but true friendship. Marriage alone, after all, does not solve the human need for intimacy, given the number of married people who battle loneliness much like their single counterparts. The solution, rather, is deep, abiding friendship, of the kind that Jesus invites his disciples into in when he calls them his friends (Jn 15:15). 

Myth #4: Singleness Means No Family

When Jesus calls us to himself, he makes plain that many will lose mother, father, brother, sister, spouse, and children for his name’s sake (Mk 10:28-30). But in return, he promises not merely a replacement for each of these, but a hundredfold of them! With this vision of the spiritual family believers inherit, Paul exhorts his protégée in 1 Timothy 5:1-2 to treat the older men as fathers, the older women as mothers, and the younger men and women as brothers and sisters. Fellow Christians aren’t distant uncles or second cousins, but the closest kin. 

Throughout the book, and in this chapter in particular, Allberry shares stories of his own close family ties to believers, from the couples who have given him a key to their home so he can come and go as he pleases to the collection of 15 men, women, and children, comprised of singles and marrieds, with whom he goes on vacation every year. Building these kinds of relationships takes work, but provides a far more well-rounded Christian experience for all concerned than when couples restrict themselves to friendships with other couples and singles with one another alone.

Myth #5: Singleness Hinders Ministry

This chapter opens citing the qualifications for church office and describing certain benefits married people experience in ministry. Many churches even view ministry couples as a great deal: two for the price of one! While the pastoral epistles lay out what a godly leader’s marriage and family ought to look like, they by no means demand that a minister be married (contrary to what many Christians believe). In fact, Allberry offers certain advantages single pastors have over their married counterparts. After all, Paul himself was a single man in ministry! How ironic, therefore, that many churches would be happy to have Paul as an Apostle but would never hire him as pastor! 

Myth #6: Singleness Wastes Your Sexuality

What purpose does our sexuality serve? Allberry argues that if we get the answer to this question wrong, we will use sex merely to amuse ourselves. But the Bible teaches us precisely why we were created sexual beings. Drawing from the creation account in Genesis 1, he argues that the union between a man and a woman point us toward the ultimate complementary union between heaven and earth in Christ. We belong to one another inseparably, just as the sky and the earth do to one another (p. 137 Fr.).

The marital union is temporal and momentary, and not the ultimate goal of our existence. It will end in the age to come and is not vital in the present one. It’s a picture, rather, of the ultimate marriage, that of Christ to his Bride, the Church. Our very sexual desires, whether we are single or married, drive us towards their fulfillment as we find our rest in Christ. This, Allberry argues, is why we need singles in the Church:

The presence of singles who find their fullest meaning and satisfaction in Christ is a visible, physical testimony to the fact that the end of all of our longing comes in Jesus. (p. 152 Fr., p. 120-121 Eng). 

Myth #7: Singleness is Easy

Get our your Kleenex box, friends. Because if the opening chapter convinces us that singleness isn’t too hard, this chapter reminds is that it is indeed hard, nevertheless. Allberry recounts not only some of his own personal pain as a single, but also that of others: his friend Ed Shaw’s soul-crushing moments crying on the kitchen floor over his ongoing struggle with same-sex attraction; his friend Carrie English’s deep sense of rejection as two friends marry, declaring publicly that they love one another more than her; and the asymmetric and at times depressing nature of his friendships with married people. He is the one who must initiate most often. And this is because he needs their friendship more than they need his. They are his family, whereas they still have one another when he goes home to an empty apartment. At times, the pain is overwhelming. It’s more than he can cope with. No, singleness is not easy, but praise God, this and every circumstance is never beyond God’s ability to cope. 

Conclusion

The topic of singleness is not foreign to me. I have even written about it, having myself married in my thirties and having faced many of the same misconceptions Allberry writes about concerning singleness. But after sixteen years of marriage, I needed reminding. I benefited from his gentle nudge to check in on and encourage some of my single friends. To be intentional about building more diverse friendships in my local church. The most valuable part of the book to me were his numerous stories about his deep friendships with others in the body of Christ. They made me wish he would move down the street and be a wise confidant to my husband and me and a trusted spiritual father to my children. May the Lord give us all such abiding relationships with one another in the body of Christ, irrespective of marital status.

To hear more from Sam, consider attending his upcoming conference on singleness, which will be held in Montreal on Saturday May 7, but which will also be available via webcast.