Why You Should Read “Why Does God Care who I Sleep with?”

This article was first published in French at TPSG.

If you’re not yet familiar with Sam Allberry, he is probably best known for books like, “Is God Anti-gay?” But he has written or contributed to a variety of books, including New Testament commentaries and books on new life in Christ and on the importance of the local church, to name a few. This book is part of a series called “Questioning Faith,” in which Christian scholars answer skeptics’ common questions with the truth of the Gospel. Therefore, it is with pleasure that I read “Why Does God Care who I Sleep with?” 

The Answer is Simple: God Cares About Us

Allberry possesses a winsome, truthful yet compassionate style of writing. From his opening pages, he acknowledges that what he is about to lay out for his readers regarding a biblical sexual ethic may cause them to want to throw his book out the window. Yet he speaks candidly about his own struggles: he is a single man who, by his own admission, is unlikely to ever marry. And he is committed to celibacy. Yet, the answer raised in the book’s title is simple: God cares who we sleep with because he cares about us and because living out our sexuality poorly can bring us profound hurt and damage. In the ensuing chapters, he develops this at length.

Building Common Ground

In chapters 1 and 2, Allberry creates a connection with his readers by building consensus. When it comes to human sexuality, what is the one element every decent human being would agree upon? That consent is essential. The #MeToo and #ChurchToo movements were born out of legitimate cries against abuse and its cover-ups in society at large and in the Church. He argues that we serve a Saviour who himself suffered tremendous injustice, and who both lived and taught a profound sensitivity toward the sufferings of others. And that any act of sexual aggression against an image-bearer is a violation of a sacred place.  

The One-Flesh Union

Having established that we are not, in fact, completely free to carry out our every sexual impulse, Allberry goes on to explain in chapter 3 what the purpose of sex is. When it comes to the sexual act, our culture considers that its purpose is primarily for pleasure. Yet the author contends that sex was God’s idea and that the sexual act was implied in his first command to the first man and woman (Ge 1:28). He doesn’t reduce the purpose of sex to procreation, however. Instead, he develops the idea that the intimacy of the one-flesh union is a picture of the reunification of the flesh that God had separated when he created Eve from Adam’s side.  

The First Sexual Revolution

In chapters 4 and 5, Allberry explains at length that the Bible does, in fact, teach that sex is reserved for marriage, and this was as revolutionary in the New Testament era as it is today. In the Roman Empire, women were little more than merchandise. Wealthy women were valuable commodities, and poor women were sold to the highest bidder, but they could all be exploited without scruples. That is why the Christian sexual ethic is dubbed by one scholar as the first sexual revolution. But this is about more than monogamy. Both the Old and New Testaments paint a picture of reciprocity and mutual submission in marriage that is unprecedented. Think of Song of Songs 6:3, for example: “I am my beloved’s, and he is mine.” Or of 1 Corinthians 7:2-4, in which Paul demonstrates that not only does a wife’s body belong to her husband, but also that the husband’s body belongs to his wife. In so doing, he places them on equal footing with one another – something previously unheard of.  

It Begins in the Heart

In chapter 6, the author expounds on how a biblical sexual ethic calls into question many of our sexual norms today. And this is especially the case because Scripture brings it back to an issue of the heart, whether it’s the tenth commandment prohibiting coveting (Ex 20:17) or Jesus’ equating lust with adultery. Using the account of David and Bathsheba as a case study, Allberry demonstrates that what began with a lustful look on the king’s part ends with Bathsheba losing everything: her sexual integrity, her husband, the life she led, and, I would add, the child that resulted from their non-consensual union. Lust, he argues, dehumanizes both the object of its gaze and the consumer who desensitizes himself to the plight of the one before him (p. 87). It drives both the pornography industry and the human trafficking that is behind it.  

Beyond Behaviour Modification

Having thrown down some hard truths about our corrupt hearts and our complicity in human exploitation, in chapter 7 and Pastor Allberry offers words of hope to those who may feel like they’ve already blown it. The Bible doesn’t teach a sexual ethic of behaviour modification. Rather, the good news of the Gospel is that when we trust Christ, we are transformed from the inside out. God’s Spirit gives us new appetites, and the Saviour who makes this work possible is more tender than we could ever imagine.  

Our True Identity: Known and Loved

Next, in chapter 8, he answers the question of whether our identity depends upon our sexual fulfillment. Jesus and the Samaritan Woman serve as another case study. Jesus declares himself the living water, a gift made possible because Christ bore our thirst, our darkness, our condemnation on the cross when he became our substitute. This exchange ensures that in him we are both deeply known and deeply loved. And that is where our true identity lies.  

Expert Love Advice from the God who is Love

In chapter 9, we come to a question that is at the core of our culture’s comprehension of sex: Isn’t love enough? Allberry answers this question by diving into the Bible’s quintessential passage about love, 1 Corinthians 13. He argues that Paul’s purpose in this text is to show us how far we fall short, and how much we need God’s help to love others well. Love is God’s area of expertise, given that he is love. As such, he teaches us how to love differently in different contexts, be it our pets, our parents, our partners, or our favourite pastry or polish sausage. And part of channelling our affections is understanding that love calls us to respect proper timing, lest we “awaken love before it so desires” (SoS 2:6).  

Love in the Present Era: An Image and Foretaste of Love in Eternity

In his final two chapters, Allberry places the initial question of the book and its answer in the context of the great story of the Bible. The history of the universe is a love story. And at the center of that love story is the long-awaited wedding of the Bridegroom to his Bride. Earthly marriage, therefore, serves as an image and a foretaste of our union with Christ that has begun and will be consummated in and for eternity. And that is why we are bound to be disappointed when we seek ultimate satisfaction in a human relationship when we were created for a heavenly one. 

 

If we realise that our fascination with romance is actually a memory-trace of a deeper story—an echo of a greater tune, a signpost to the ultimate destination—then we will

find the reality that can transcend even the most intimate of relationships we can experience (p. 136). 

Conclusion

So, why should you read, “Why Should God Care who I Sleep with”? Because it provides a deeply sensitive, wise, and Biblical answer to one of the most important questions being asked in our generation. May the Lord use this book to equip our generation with his wisdom to understand and embrace a biblical view of human sexuality.