Parenting for Dummies

This article was first published in French at TPSG.

If you’ve ever felt inept as a parent, this article is for you. I, for one, have often felt like a parenting dummy. LOL! And it’s not for lack of reading, praying, and trying! It just doesn’t come naturally to me. Some might say that all women are born with a natural gift for nurturing and tending to precious little ones. But sadly, I was born devoid of the instinct to be a naturally awesome mom! Thankfully, my husband Dan is by nature tender, compassionate, and nurturing. God knew what he was doing!

God as the Ultimate Nurturer

I’m convinced that nurturing is not a feminine quality per se. It’s a quality found in God, who cares for us with tenderness, compassion, and patience. In fact, the best earthly mothers are those who reflect the nurturing and care modelled by our heavenly Father. After all, it is he who “heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds” (Ps 147:3). Moreover, the LORD compare himself to a mother who consoles and nurses her baby (Is 66:13, 49:15).

Our model par excellence of parenting is the LORD. And throughout his earthly ministry, Jesus cared for his disciples and for the multitudes like a loving parent. He called people “my child” who were in no way young enough to be born to him (Mk 2:5, 5:24). He described himself above all as “gently and lowly” (Mt 11:29), and he treated his disciples like his own children as he “brought them up in the way that they should go,” from immaturity to maturity in the knowledge of him. 

The Problem with Parenting Books

A few weeks ago, I was listening to a podcast called “Happy Rant” co-hosted by John Piper’s son, Pastor Barnabas Piper. In answer to the question, “What advice would you give to young parents?” he said, “Take all those popular Christian parenting books and throw them in the garbage!” 

He argued that Christians read these books and come away thinking that they provide a magic formula. Follow all their advice, and you are guaranteed to raise godly children. The problem is that that’s just now how it works. We all surely know godly Christians whose parents were terrible. And we know parents who “did everything right” and their adult children have walked away from the faith. 

While I didn’t immediately pitch all my Christian parenting books out my office window, the point is that we need to remember the grace of God. He is the author of salvation. We must remain humble and dependent upon the Lord, crying out to him daily for wisdom and strength to follow his example and love our kids as he loves us. With that in mind, we can glean wisdom from lots of great Christian parenting books. And we can share those lessons with others. But not in a formulaic way. 

Children: Our #1 Disciples

Our children are our #1 disciples, whether we are mothers or fathers, and whether we are in full-time vocational ministry or are lay people. Therefore, the purpose of discipline is to make disciples. It’s not merely to gain compliance. Several methods exist to get our children to obey us in an external way. But if we want to reach their hearts, then we need to discipline our children to help them become more like Jesus. 

Teach Them Grace

We need to offer our kids the same grace we have received. That doesn’t mean that we don’t give out consequences for disobedience. We want them to grasp that discipline isn’t the opposite of love. It is a form of love, as indicated by our Heavenly Father’s discipline of us (He 12:5-7). Our goal is to teach them to reject foolishness and to walk in wisdom.

They’re Not Self-Parenting Kids

We don’t have self-parenting children! God entrusted them to us in their immature, foolish form. After all, there are different words in the Bible for foolish – some describe the hardened heart of the one who refuses to turn away from sin. But another refers to the naïve, the simple, the one lacking understanding who needs instruction. That describes our children as well as the task the Lord has entrusted to us. It’s not easy, but as we witness their slow but gradual growth in wisdom, it’s a tremendous source of joy!

One Thing at a Time

If we constantly nitpick our kids about every little thing they do wrong, they will quickly grow discouraged and simply tune us out. And we would do the same thing if we had a boss who corrected us every time he walked by our cubicle! Instead, we should choose one thing to focus on and give our child a bit of grace in the other areas. Not that we allow them to disobey. We simply give them grace rather than nagging them, provoking them to anger. 

Do Not Provoke your Children to Anger

The Bible contains a number of proverbs and narratives which provide examples of parenting, but this is one of the few imperatives addressed directly to parents:

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Ep 6:4)

One way to provoke them to anger is by being harsh and demanding, expecting something of them beyond their maturity level. So, whether it's their grasp of complicated concepts or their capacity to perform certain chores, we need to adjust our expectations. For example, our girls are responsible for cleaning the counters and doing the dishes every night. They may not do as good a job as Dan and I would. But if get upset when they don’t perform to our standards, we’re being unrealistic. We need to make sure they do a good enough job, and not necessarily an “as good as mom or dad” job. 

On the other hand, a lack of discipline can also provoke our kids to anger. Being inconsistent and only holding them accountable for their actions only some of the time can create insecurity and frustration. And if one of the parents is stricter than the other, then that makes things even worse. We need to be united as parents. Not only that, but we also need to be united as a family. Whenever there’s a conflict between our girls, we try to remind them that no one wins when there’s disharmony. We’re a team, Team Thornton!

Involve your Kids in Ministry

The earlier they learn that service isn’t just for adults the better. When there’s a clean-up day at church, go as a family. When opportunities arise to volunteer with a community organization, bring them along. As soon as they reach the age at which they are allowed to help with the church nursery or with the younger children’s Sunday school classes, encourage them to do so. I’ve read that one in three kids remains in the church once they graduate from high school. But the odds increase in our favour if our kids are involved in the church, if they have Christian friends, and if they see ministry as something that they are a part of, rather than spectators to.

Prioritize Christian Friends

I want to help my children build lasting relationships with believers, especially with those who are involved in our local church. When they reach their late teen and young adult years, I want them to stay in the church because they have built meaningful friendships there. And these don’t all have to be peers. This can include older saints who have become like adopted grandparents and aunts and uncles to our girls. 

Ask for Forgiveness of your Children

We need to ask forgiveness of our children frequently. This takes a lot of humility. Especially if our own parents didn’t model it for us. My best friend Grace shared an elaborate way of apologizing that my children found strange at first:

1. I’m sorry.

2. Will you please forgive me for ___________. (Be specific.)

3. This was wrong because ___________. (Site a Bible verse or biblical principle that teaches on this subject).

4. In the future I will ____________. (Give specific steps you will take to avoid repeating the same offense in the future).

My coach Valerie added that we need to go beyond the surface manifestation of the sin, such as “Forgive me for yelling at you.” The real question is, why was I yelling at you? What desire underneath the surface was I pursuing that caused me to lose my cool when I didn’t attain it? If you were getting in the way of my peace, my productivity, my personal fulfillment, and I responded in anger, then the real sin lies there: I made an idol out of my own desires. This formula applies to the way my children apologize as well, of course.

Model Conflict Resolution

Our children need to learn from my husband and me how to resolve conflict. Otherwise, how else are they going to learn? In another episode of the Happy Rant podcast, Barnabas Piper recounts that he never saw his parents argue. And looking back, he wishes he had, as it would have served him well to learn from their example. His cohosts added that this was also true of their parents and that perhaps it was a generational thing. Whatever the reason, I believe we should teach our kids how we manage our differences so that learn some relational skills from us, whether they ever marry or not. 

Don’t be Afraid of Parenting Books by Unbelievers

My friend John, a seasoned social worker, recommended a book called “No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind” by Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. It helped us so much! Siegel is a medical doctor and psychotherapist whose expertise in the field of neurobiology, or brain science, is something we rarely see in parenting books by pastors and biblical counsellors. 

The authors break down proven scientific facts in simple terms. They suggest strategies that enable parents to help their kids connect the left brain (logical) and right brain (emotional). They also speak of the “upstairs” brain, which is sophisticated and analytical and the “downstairs” brain, which is primitive and reactive. 

So, imagine that one of your children throws a tantrum and screams angrily and disrespectfully. Now, most of us learned that we must not permit our child to disrespect us because it represents rebellion against God. So, in such a scenario, it might be tempting to immediately enact consequences. But because your child is thinking with his/her primitive “downstairs” brain, consequences mean nothing to him/her. And adding consequences to the conversation only escalates the already intense situation. 

Instead, the authors explain, we need to employ calming, soothing strategies to help our child switch from the primitive to the sophisticated, analytic “upstairs” brain. Consequences come, of course, but only once we’ve helped them manage their emotions and find clarity do we enact those. 

Conclusion

For all the parenting dummies out there, I hope this article has encouraged you to press on in the difficult task of parenting. Are you surrounded by friends who seem to have it all together, who never seem to blow it, whose children seem perfect, and who always radiate patience and gentleness? If so, then you’ve got me! So, there’s at least one other parent out there who is struggling, who is fighting hard to be a good parent, who is failing some days and succeeding on others and who is crying out to God every single day for the grace to parent like our Heavenly Father.